Moonwalking: When We Are Criticized, Then We Are Criticized For Our Reaction
The Moonwalking is a subtle but effective technique. It is a psychological abuse which has the same objective as gaslighting. Namely to exhaust the other.
It consists of criticizing an aspect of your partner, making him lose his temper, then accusing or ridiculing him for having reacted to the criticisms. It’s about hitting emotionally, waiting for a reaction before finally trivializing the pain.
The therapists and psychologists who have done the most research on the effects of criticism on interpersonal relationships are undoubtedly Drs John and Julie Gottman. They do not condemn the right of each to make his voice heard by the other.
They point out, however, that when one expresses oneself in an accusatory manner with the intention of hurting the other, any complaint, even justified, then becomes a criticism. Behind those who constantly resort to criticism and use it to trap their partner in disarray and suffering, usually lurks an abusive personality.
The first cousin of criticism being contempt, in general, the two aspects often appear in concert to form an effective tool of abuse. Let’s see what this mechanism of psychological abuse called Moonwalking consists of.
What is Moonwalking?
It is true that in recent years, Anglo-Saxon terminologies have been used without limit to label emerging behaviors in psychology. However, it is useful to put an end to each of these complex realities to designate them in a simple way.
When it comes to Moonwalking, it wasn’t until last year that relationship psychologist and writer Viky Stark first came up with the term in an article in Psychology Today. With this term, she was referring to the famous dance of Michael Jackson when he takes a few steps forward and then backs up a few more.
In a way, that’s what happens with this psychological assault. We criticize our partner (moving forward). We wait for his reaction and then we relativize the importance of what has been said (by stepping back). And this, in order to humiliate him.
In most cases, this mechanism of psychological manipulation is based on jokes. On a harmful sarcasm that damages the partner’s self-esteem.
For example: “you are as clumsy as a six year old child, sometimes I have the impression of being with a child in kindergarten”. Following the reaction of her interlocutor, she retorts: “What an exaggerated reaction for a simple joke!”
In short, Moonwalking is a way of using criticism to make a person feel rejected, hurt and underestimated. Let’s see what mechanisms are involved in Moonwalking .
The characteristics of Moonwalking
In any relationship, there are disagreements, conflicts, and disputes from time to time. It’s all part of a normal relationship. These conflicts are even healthy if they allow lessons to be learned from these situations.
In addition, many come out even stronger, because they got to know each other better. They have learned new skills and the means to move forward together.
However, those who perfect the art of Moonwalking do not seek conflict in order to move forward. What they seek is to create an emotionally draining environment to weaken the other and have them under their control. It’s a game of strength. To do this, he uses very sophisticated psychological resources:
- First of all, they launch very specific criticisms of facts and aspects that are going to hurt.
- For example, if the partner has been striving for a promotion at work for a long time, his partner will focus on that goal. If a person is worried about a family member or friend, their partner will blame them somehow.
After having formulated the criticism, it is enough to wait patiently for the reaction of your partner. It is then the moment to deploy the second phase of Moonwalking .
- The victim then hears that she is too sensitive, that she exaggerates everything. She will be told that she takes things out of context.
- As we have already pointed out, she will certainly receive a comment like “I was just kidding”. The abuser likes to point out to his victim that it is a habit for him to imagine things that are not there.
- Some will even go further by saying: “Look at yourself, you are paranoid”.
The incessant criticism affects our physical and psychological health
The Moonwalking corresponds to a continuous exercise of criticism and his faithful companion, contempt. The effects of this form of psychological violence are immense.
Studies, like those carried out at the University of Pennsylvania, in the United States, highlight an important point. The relentless criticism is especially bad for people who already suffer from an anxiety disorder. In this situation, it is very easy to fall into a depressed state.
On the other hand, research work, such as that carried out by social psychologist Robert Alan Baron, shows us that this dimension affects our concentration, our ability to perform well at work. And even our motivation to relate to our environment.
Abuse takes many forms, languages, mechanisms and other strategies. It doesn’t necessarily start with physical beatings, yelling or insults.
Abusers often resort to attrition, base attacks, contempt camouflaged as sarcasm, and criticism that undermines resistance. Emotional snipers exist and they seek above all to weaken in order to better dominate.
Let’s react in time. Let us defend ourselves and move away from those who want to harm us and from those who trade in our self-esteem and our psychological balance.
Our thoughts Gaslighting phrases that challenge your reality are not written in textbooks on family or couple relationships …
