Frozen Or Delayed Grief, Pain That Becomes Chronic

Frozen grief refers to a loss that is not overcome. It is the pain which becomes chronic, which crawls constantly and manifests itself in multiple ways: anxiety, stress, exhaustion, apathy, constant irritation … So, as striking as it may seem to us, we are confronted with a clinical reality which arises. quite frequently.

There are those who are not sure what to do with this set of adverse sensations. With this suffering that paralyzes them and places them in a vacuum that is very difficult to manage. Others cling to their daily life, work and obligations, trying to convince themselves that they can continue. They tell themselves that nothing is happening, that the pain can be hidden like someone keeping a personal item in a safe.

In both cases, the same anatomy of suffering is generated: that of pathological mourning, where there is neither closure nor acceptance of the loss. So, if there is one thing we need to understand, it is that pain does not have an expiration date. It can last for decades and be embedded in everything we think and do. Frozen mourning masks in multiple illnesses and completely obscures our chance to be happy again.

Frozen or delayed bereavement, what is it?

The pain can be frozen, stay in suspension, or even get trapped like a seed in a drop of amber. We do this when we refuse to face a painful reality, when we tell ourselves that it is better to put it aside and get on with our life without thinking about the person we just lost.

If there is one thing that bereavement specialists know well, it is that this psychological process is experienced in each of us in a very different way. However, the generally held view of the subject is that loss is synonymous with sadness and that, on average, it takes between a year and a year and a half to move on and mourn. .

These ideas are not entirely correct. First of all, when you lose someone, you feel something more than sadness. There is anger, amazement and even anguish. Likewise, the experience of grief is directly linked to the personality of each of us. Also to the resources, as well as the social and personal support we have.

So, as Dr Katherine Shear of Columbia University, New York, explains in her study, it is very difficult to predict how each person will cope with the loss of a loved one. In addition, it is estimated that approximately 5% of the population will experience frozen or delayed grief at some point. The characteristics of this process would be as follows.

Symptoms of delayed or frozen bereavement

Frozen or delayed grief appears as a defense mechanism. The person refuses to accept the reality of what has happened, cannot face it, feels unable to cope with such suffering. So the brain chooses to deny or simply “freeze” the pain, leaving it for another time.

Now, all this psychological overwork and emotional confinement has consequences:

• It is common to suffer from anxiety and stress disorders.
• The person suffers from hypersensitivity. Any unforeseen or fortuitous event is experienced in an oversized way.
• It can lead to eating disorders or addictive behaviors.
• There is also a clear refusal to speak or name the loss of this important person.
• Psychosomatic symptoms appear. These could be digestive issues, allergies, headaches, muscle pain, skin issues, or hair loss.
• There is a lack of vision or planning for the future. We stop having vital plans and goals.
• Relationship problems also arise. There is a lack of joy, of patience, of a desire to share, to enjoy moments of leisure… Sometimes those affected even stop connecting with others in an authentic way. Empathy fails because unaccepted inner suffering cloud almost everything.

How to deal with frozen or delayed bereavement?

The person living with frozen bereavement should know that at some point all of that emotional burden will emerge. Sometimes a sudden trigger is enough to mix up an endless number of sensations capable of overflowing. Thus, the death of a pet, seeing someone sick or even suffering from a little mishap, triggers an avalanche of feelings that are difficult to deal with.

In the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), the clinical state of frozen bereavement does not appear as such. However, it does include diagnostic criteria for “complex persistent bereavement disorder”. However, knowing that this type of pathological mourning exists, new therapies have been developed in recent years and are proving to be very effective.

An example is presented in a 2012 study by Dr Julie Wetherell of the University of San Diego, California. It is an approach that combines cognitive behavioral therapy, interpersonal therapy and prolonged exposure techniques. The fundamental purpose is to make it easier to accept the loss. But also to work on emotions and an aspect that often arises in many cases: the feeling of guilt.

In conclusion, facing a loss is something no one is prepared for. Grieving is not a universal or normative process . It is dynamic, brutal, complex and even pathological in many cases. Being able to ask for help (and letting ourselves be helped) will allow us to move through this reality in a more appropriate and healthy way.

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