False Altruism: The Ambush Of Narcissistic People

False altruism gives shape to one of the most hurtful and common hypocrisies : generally, it is associated with those people who render service and help not to do good, but to nurture their own well-being. We are undoubtedly facing the classic ambush of the narcissist, facing those who are capable of manipulating the person they are helping to the point of plunging them into real emotional slavery.

As curious as it may sound, there are many psychologists who warn us of something that is important to think about. Pure and selfless altruism is not always natural. We are not all connected by genuine empathy, even though we know that cooperative behavior as such has enabled us to survive as a species.

False altruism has openly made a place for itself in our society. There are those who show extreme kindness, interest and care towards us with the ultimate goal of getting something in return. This is what politicians, some members of our family but also managers do with their employees, because they know that kindness and interest improve efficiency and performance… until that day comes. where the employee falls ill or has a family emergency and the selflessness of his boss, as if by magic, disappears.

There are, as we see, multiple interests hidden behind these seemingly acts of caring empathy. What is more, we can also deploy most of those unconscious behaviors that ultimately characterize the narcissistic personality, which sometimes we do not even perceive.

Imagine a mother or father dedicating their life exclusively to caring for their children. The latter are already grown up, they are emancipated and try, with difficulty, to mark a certain distance from this sometimes intrusive figure which, guided by the need to help, leaves them neither space nor freedom. This mother or father is aware that their child can quite take care of himself; however, they need to be in front of this continuous attention in order to feel better.

It is something so common that you have surely observed it already around you, or even experienced it yourself. However, the reality can be much more complex if we look a little beyond our family environment; much of our society practices this false altruism fueled by narcissism itself.

On the other hand, sociology tells us that our world is more and more narcissistic and that the generation of the “me I” is only expanding. It can be disheartening, but our social media, YouTube or Instagram is raising that ultimate need to say an obvious “ hey, I’m here ”, watch me, follow me, give me a “ like ”, feed me with positive reinforcements.

False altruism or solidarity empathy? One of the best-known cases raising this question is that of Bill Gates. There was a time when various reports began to emerge about the lack of philanthropy of one of the most recognized and wealthy figures of our time. Microsoft was making indecent amounts of money and spending only a small portion of it on social causes. After getting married, Gates and his wife created the “Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation”, one of the most donating money today to various social, health and education areas.

There is no doubt that perhaps Gates had considered the need to contribute to this type of cause for the good of society and the world at large. In this case, we would then speak of solidarity empathy. It is also possible that its assessors considered that this ethical commitment was more necessary than that of improving the image of the company.

On the other hand, it is also possible that a time came when Gates himself needed to make this financial contribution for the sole purpose of feeling good about himself ; the social recognition he could derive from it could be a great source of satisfaction for him. In the latter case, we would speak of false altruism.

As we have seen, the most desirable for our society is this dimension that we should all practice on a daily basis: solidarity empathy. Amin Maalouf, famous Franco-Lebanese writer and expert in social problems, discrimination and ethnic conflicts tells us that educating in empathy from childhood would help us build a more united humanity. However, the current dynamics push us more and more towards an anthropogenic and hurtful narcissism.

The false altruism is there, reflecting an additional practice of the narcissistic personality, which one must therefore know how to recognize. Its main characteristics would be as follows:

• This type of altruism, resulting in acts of false or self-serving kindness, is always ruled from a position of power. “I am superior to you and my generosity, whether you like it or not, submits you to me.”
• Sometimes deceptively altruistic people provide some almost compulsive help in order to heal their “self-ideal”.
• Often, with their altruism, they try to make us understand that we could not live without them, nor solve our problems.
• Thus, we cannot forget that they are great manipulators; they blackmail and manipulate the person they are helping to the point of putting them in real emotional ambushes.

In conclusion, even though we are all important, unique and exceptional, let us never forget our commitment to others, our sense of cooperation and the great value that can be implied by practicing true caring empathy, without obscure hidden interests.

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