Don’t Expect Me To Be Docile, Submissive Or Tidy …
Love me as I am, free, sometimes messy, reckless, often chaotic, imperfect and always bright. Don’t expect me to be docile, submissive or silent, let’s not idealize a pamphlet love, don’t erase all those nuances that make us unique. But if that’s what you want, then it’s better to let me go, let me return to my world, my currents, my loneliness, my roots …
Benjamin Franklin said, with great accuracy, that there are three particularly hard things in our world: steel, diamonds and getting to know yourself. It is obvious that such a task is not simple, that plunging us into the reefs of our insecurities, our fears, worries, virtues and obscurities requires a lot of work of patience and courage.
However, there are few things as precious as demarcating these personal boundaries, conquering these private spaces and this self-knowledge to maintain genuine loyalty to ourselves. It is only in this way that we will succeed in establishing more satisfying emotional relationships, that we will give shape to an existence more honest and in accordance with our values, an existence where behaviors and thoughts are always in rigorous balance.
There is also something we should keep in mind. Not long ago, Doctor Yi Nan Wang, a well-known researcher in the field of personality psychology, explained in one of his works that a good part of couples come to “dilute” a part. of their “me” to achieve greater harmony with the loved one. A desire for communion which consists in showing a more docile attitude and prioritizing the needs of the other while leaving our own in the dungeons of our mind.
Thus, Dr. Wang suggests that we be able to develop what he himself called “balanced authenticity”. It is a concept based on Erikson’s psychosocial theory, in which we are reminded that any mutually satisfying relationship first goes through a phase where one has been able to demarcate one’s own identity.
The need to practice healthy authenticity
It may be that in the past you have been docile, manageable, complacent. .. We all were in the majority for a few years because we were educated this way or because others wanted it. In this way, we were more easily controllable and adjusted to the gears of a society in which, at times, making one’s voice heard is seen as little more than daring.
All of this makes us reluctant and scares us when it comes to showing our true “me”. So, and even though we know for a fact that these thoughts, voices and feelings are essential for our integrity, we tell ourselves that no, that it is better not to see each other, than to do not hear them, that they are not too noticed. We are afraid of being rejected by their fault, we are afraid of upsetting others, of hurting their feelings, of breaking the patterns that had been built about us …
However, what state is our own personal pattern or identity in? They are both boycotted. We become our own emotional snipers because we are unable to practice healthy authenticity. We become victims of our own ingenuity because we believe that being genuine can hurt those around us, when it doesn’t at all.
Aristotle once said that the healthiest authenticity comes from what he called a “golden balance”, where being frank doesn’t hurt anyone, doesn’t isolate us, because we don’t practice anything. other than honesty.
Don’t try to make me docile, love me with my shades, my lights and my shadows
Doctor Yi Nan Wang of Beijing Normal University recently created the interesting “AIRS” (Authenticity In Relationships Scale), which aims to measure the level of authenticity of the two members in a relationship. One process that has led to the conclusion that one of the keys to social well-being in the population is precisely the fact that individuals are able to practice that personal honesty that we have just discussed and that authentic sense of identity that prevents us to boycott ourselves – or prevent others from doing so -.
Thus, the 9 items that make up the “AIRS” scale and to which we should answer with “yes” or “no” are as follows:
- I always hide my true thoughts for fear of other people’s disapproval.
- I like to take care of others.
- I dare not tell the truth to others for fear of hurting their feelings.
- I am fully aware of the fact that I have to engage with myself.
- I always find ways to reconcile my needs and those of others.
- I would never give up my real “me” and wouldn’t allow anyone to do it for me.
- Usually, I tell the truth without worrying about how others react.
- I am my own priority, other people’s feelings are not important.
- I almost always offend people because I say things frankly.
How to assess the scale of authenticity
You have probably already had a little idea of how the points of this scale work. However, it should be noted that it measures three dimensions:
- Items 1-3 represent biased authenticity, that which causes people to usually give up their own feelings and identity.
- Items 4-6 represent balanced authenticity or the ability to express oneself freely and respectfully, taking into account our needs as well as those of others.
- Items 7-9 represent egocentric authenticity or that more extreme tendency that can make us fall into selfishness or aggression due to this habit of prioritizing ourselves, at the risk of hurting or offending others. .
To conclude, as we have been able to see, it is not only in couple relationships that we must be able to practice this balanced authenticity which combines honesty and respect, freedom and affiliation, esteem self-esteem and the growth of the couple. It is, in fact, a dimension that we must practice in all areas of our life ; we must not be docile or submissive but very luminous, with our characters as unique as they are wonderful.
Images of Kelly Smith
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