Are You Tired Of Arguing With Your Partner Over The Same Things?

Educational model based on relational discord

One of the main reasons that many couples come to quarrel over and over again is because they repeat what they learned from their parents. The idea that it is not possible to manage couple conflicts. They also learned in the process to use strategies so that the argument could be sustained over time.

One of these strategies is to recycle the arguments. Repeat them over and over with different words. This gives the impression that there is always new information to add.

And, like their parents who resort to these arguments whenever they are upset about something, their children do the same with their spouses. In reality, what is sought here is pro proclaim the superiority of his own position, and not understand the perspective of each to reach a compromise, accepted by both spouses, which will be used to restore harmony couple.

In other words, many couples argue because they have assimilated a pattern based on relationship discord. This model runs counter to the idea that it is possible to negotiate a conflict productively. Basically there is a very clear message: relationship problems are irreconcilable, and the only way out of this situation and overcome the frustration is to intimidate the other rather than intimidate us.

Thus, these arguments will only end when both spouses are too tired. Exhausted and anxious. Often even forgetting why the argument started.

The solution supposes, first of all, to identify if such a framework exists in our couple’s disputes. Are we recycling the same arguments over and over again? Do our arguments resemble those of our parents? Do we know exactly why we are arguing? Do we always come back to the same requests and complaints? Do we automatically react to certain situations, like a spring, and start arguing without further ado?

Now let’s think about the quality of our parents’ relationship. If it was healthy, if it ended well, if they were happy as a couple. If we don’t want to repeat this pattern, let’s start by getting used to the idea that there is another way to deal with relationship conflict.

It is possible to live without arguing with our spouse all day. By ensuring that the clashes end with an agreement. And not by a truce that only works until the forces are restored, returning to the same point when the energy levels are regenerated.

It is possible to come to an agreement, but we have to start by acting as if it is possible. By eliminating this automatic behavior. By reprogramming reactions to triggers, which must be identified. N o us must therefore cultivate the attitude that most of the differences in our marriage relationship are reconcilable.

Self-protection when we feel vulnerable to argue with our spouse

Getting angry with another is also a way to protect ourselves. Especially when we feel attacked and vulnerable. This reaction occurs to the extent that we feel threatened or attacked. It makes us counterattack and try to win the battle in order to avoid exposing ourselves.

Indeed,  we too often depend on the opinion and valuation of our spouses. Thus, when the other questions our competence, our intelligence or our virtue, we feel our self-esteem seriously compromised, that is to say, we feel vulnerable. This is the reason we feel the need to stand up for ourselves, because it immunizes feelings of vulnerability.

On the other hand, when  we try to defend ourselves in this way, it is usual that we end up  attacking the other on the  points where they are most vulnerable, blaming them for our problems and without measuring the damage that we can. to talk to him through our reproaches.

And what was once fear, can now be a feeling of power and strength. Thanks to the adrenaline rush, which can also mean a reinforcement of this attitude so harmful in the long term.

In these circumstances, where anger appears very easily, we usually forget to listen to the other. Remember that we are trying to “defend ourselves”. The solution is to learn to validate ourselves, to strengthen our own ego without anyone being conditioned,  and to seek our own path of growth and personal enrichment, by accepting ourselves unconditionally, with our own weaknesses.

We often argue about personal things that we see reflected in each other. But if we are able to accept ourselves, to be kind, compassionate and understanding, to forgive ourselves, we will also be able to treat each other in the same way.

The solution also involves seeking a different perspective with empathy and understanding. Identifying the other’s position, even if it is different from ours, will help moderate anger. And help us stay in control.

Some differences are irreconcilable when we argue with our spouse

There are certain differences when we argue with our spouse which, due to their nature or ideology, simply cannot be resolved. These unresolved differences can be adapted or even accepted, but that does not make them compatible.